Gonna be a little more honest than usual here…
Last night, I was having heart palpitations, and today, I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my chest. I’ve checked my stats — BP, heart rate, pulse ox, and everything looks good.
But the frustration of being in the hospital with no real “answers” other than “you got a bum heart, buddy” and no real plan other than “here’s a med and you might have to talk about bypass surgery at some point,” really took it out of me today.
In addition to feeling like crap because I didn’t sleep well, feeling like crap because I feel heavy, and feeling a little scared of how fragile I feel on a regular basis, I just sank into depression.
I ate pizza today and some nondairy ice cream as if to say, “whatever…if it’s gonna happen, let it happen.”
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way, but that’s where I was today. And it sucked pretty bad.
What I want, however, is to get angry. I want to get mad. I want to get determined.
In what will sound like a completely unrelated circumstance (but I promise I’ll get there), I’ve been watching the anime “Naruto” the last week or so. Not even sure why I started watching it, but after a few episodes, I was hooked.
For those of you who don’t know, Naruto is a kid, maybe 13 or 14, who lives in a ninja village. He’s determined to be the new leader of the village and get the respect of everyone, but he’s kind of an idiot, and he doesn’t have a lot of natural talent.
He does, however, have the soul of a giant, nine-tailed fox locked away inside him. The fox, when it was in its full, physical form, almost completely destroyed his village. Because it’s locked inside Naruto, people tend to shun him and hate him…hence the chip on his shoulder.
Why on earth am I talking about this?
Naruto battles against different foes, and almost every time, he gets his butt kicked early. He’s obviously no match for his opponent. But this kid just won’t give up. He hates having people tell him what he can’t do. He hates being belittled. And every time people take him for granted, he almost effortlessly taps into the power of the fox (with his anger and determination) and somehow figures out how to win.
I’m sure it sounds silly when it’s boiled down like that. Truth is, though, he’s been inspiring me today.
I’ve felt so helpless to change my lifestyle after the pandemic. I fell into a depression that’s eaten away at everything — my health, my discipline, my finances, my curiosity, my ambition and more — and I’m just getting tired of it.
And the question is when will I get sick and tired of being sick and tired?
I don’t want to live a life where I’m thinking about my heart every hour of every day. I don’t want to spend every day thinking about whether I’ll be dead next month or not. I don’t want to spend time thinking about how I can only walk so far before my foot or my heart or the discomfort of my weight starts to wear on me.
I’m so sick of it. But HOW sick of it am I? Sick enough to change? Sick enough to get supremely ticked off and set my mind on a new road?
The worst part is, I know how to do this. I’ve lost the weight before. I know what it takes. I’m just not sick and tired enough of where I am.
Truthfully, I still feel sad and scared.
But the longer I think about it, the angrier I get. And I think I need to engage that emotion to finally turn my life around.
I’m 53. I’m hitting that time where men just drop dead from stroke and heart attack. I don’t want to be one of those casualties. But the way I’m living my life, the things I’m settling for—it’s like I’ve given up, and I’m waiting to die.
I want to “rage against the dying of the light” like Dylan Thomas said.
I want to tap into my own rage in order to do that.
Photo by Gadiel Lazcano on Unsplash
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