So as I was saying before I was so rudely sidetracked…

I’m determined to move on these goals this year. I can’t stay stagnant any longer. The stakes are too high. But as with everyone, we’ll see, I guess. I’m going to do my best.

4. Get Your Money Right

Goal 1: Get out of debt in two years.
Goal 2: Stick to a monthly budget down to the dollar.

• DoorDash rarely or never: cook your meals and don’t spend money on delivery—especially since you’re trying to eat right!
• Get a debt snowball set up: use your budget software and figure out a set amount to reserve for debt each money in order to get it GONE in two years.
• Stick to your budget down to the dollar: I use EveryDollar.com for my budgeting. It’s something I’ve used for years, but I always allow myself to go into the red. That will stop!

5. Get Out of the House!

Goal 1: Visit a friend every month, even just for lunch.
Goal 2: Set up day trips with the family once a month.

• Save money for weekend trips with the family: they don’t have to cost much, just schedule time to get out with your family and spend time outside, in public, around people.
• Set aside funds for lunch with a friend each month: Just reconnect with a friend. Spend the day, have lunch or just meet for a movie.
• Take a walk outside: They don’t have to take long, but 10 minutes of sunshine can change your trajectory (and your heart health).

6. Be Still

Goal 1: Meditate at least 10 minutes each morning.
Goal 2: Read 24 books this year.

• Start your morning with silence: no phone, no media, no news. Start your morning with silence, reading, meditation—the inner work.
• Set aside times to read: read before bed, read during your lunch break, read instead of watching TV. Be intentional!

All of these are worthy goals. And I have no idea if I’ve done this right, but I’m making progress. I’ve been cooking meals (I tell AI what I have in my cupboard, and it helps me make a dish), I’ve been eating better (though I’ve been on a PB sandwich kick with Coke Zero the past few mornings — not the breakfast of champions) and I’ve felt better (which is a huge blessing from where I was).

It’s the small things. Taking the small steps. I can’t say I’m angry enough to turn everything upside-down, but I am determined to make this year significant for myself.

It’s a start.

Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash

Gonna be a little more honest than usual here…

Last night, I was having heart palpitations, and today, I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my chest. I’ve checked my stats — BP, heart rate, pulse ox, and everything looks good.

But the frustration of being in the hospital with no real “answers” other than “you got a bum heart, buddy” and no real plan other than “here’s a med and you might have to talk about bypass surgery at some point,” really took it out of me today.

In addition to feeling like crap because I didn’t sleep well, feeling like crap because I feel heavy, and feeling a little scared of how fragile I feel on a regular basis, I just sank into depression.

I ate pizza today and some nondairy ice cream as if to say, “whatever…if it’s gonna happen, let it happen.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way, but that’s where I was today. And it sucked pretty bad.

What I want, however, is to get angry. I want to get mad. I want to get determined.

In what will sound like a completely unrelated circumstance (but I promise I’ll get there), I’ve been watching the anime “Naruto” the last week or so. Not even sure why I started watching it, but after a few episodes, I was hooked.

For those of you who don’t know, Naruto is a kid, maybe 13 or 14, who lives in a ninja village. He’s determined to be the new leader of the village and get the respect of everyone, but he’s kind of an idiot, and he doesn’t have a lot of natural talent.

He does, however, have the soul of a giant, nine-tailed fox locked away inside him. The fox, when it was in its full, physical form, almost completely destroyed his village. Because it’s locked inside Naruto, people tend to shun him and hate him…hence the chip on his shoulder.

Why on earth am I talking about this?

Naruto battles against different foes, and almost every time, he gets his butt kicked early. He’s obviously no match for his opponent. But this kid just won’t give up. He hates having people tell him what he can’t do. He hates being belittled. And every time people take him for granted, he almost effortlessly taps into the power of the fox (with his anger and determination) and somehow figures out how to win.

I’m sure it sounds silly when it’s boiled down like that. Truth is, though, he’s been inspiring me today.

I’ve felt so helpless to change my lifestyle after the pandemic. I fell into a depression that’s eaten away at everything — my health, my discipline, my finances, my curiosity, my ambition and more — and I’m just getting tired of it.

And the question is when will I get sick and tired of being sick and tired?

I don’t want to live a life where I’m thinking about my heart every hour of every day. I don’t want to spend every day thinking about whether I’ll be dead next month or not. I don’t want to spend time thinking about how I can only walk so far before my foot or my heart or the discomfort of my weight starts to wear on me.

I’m so sick of it. But HOW sick of it am I? Sick enough to change? Sick enough to get supremely ticked off and set my mind on a new road?

The worst part is, I know how to do this. I’ve lost the weight before. I know what it takes. I’m just not sick and tired enough of where I am.

Truthfully, I still feel sad and scared.

But the longer I think about it, the angrier I get. And I think I need to engage that emotion to finally turn my life around.

I’m 53. I’m hitting that time where men just drop dead from stroke and heart attack. I don’t want to be one of those casualties. But the way I’m living my life, the things I’m settling for—it’s like I’ve given up, and I’m waiting to die.

I want to “rage against the dying of the light” like Dylan Thomas said.

I want to tap into my own rage in order to do that.

Photo by Gadiel Lazcano on Unsplash

I got out of the hospital yesterday, and before that day was even over, I was snacking like I always have.

You would think that a hospital visit and health scare would be everything I need to get the wheels turning and make tracks. But I realize it’s not always enough.

There was a time, back in 2013, when it was definitely enough. I’d been in the hospital three or four times in the same year…something in my brain clicked, and I decided there and then that things would change…and they did…for almost 10 years.

Now, there is a mountain of apathy to overcome, so changing will have to come in much smaller doses. Make them small. Find some small, actionable items that will set me on the road to meet these goals.

I didn’t take the time to do that last week, but I want — honestly, I NEED — to do it now. Where else but in public?

1. Get Off My Phone

Goal: Down to 2.5 hours per day

• Turn off all notifications except text: this will ensure I’m not responding to buzzes and blips from my phone at odd intervals throughout the day.
• Put the phone out of your sight: when I’m watching a movie with the family or when I’m engaged in something creative that doesn’t require the phone, set it down in another room, so I’m less likely to get up and grab it.
• Use the Focus Friend app: this free little app gamifies getting off your phone. It locks down apps for up to two hours at a time, and lets you earn points to decorate rooms for your little bean avatar. It’s fun, and it works.

2. Get Creative Again

Goal 1: Write 500 words a day (Blog or journal)
Goal 2: Post three photos a week (Instagram)

• Schedule a time in the evening to write 500 words: consistency begets habit
• Schedule time during the day to take walks and shoot 3 photos a week: whether it’s a 15-minute breaktime walk or an hour at the park, make time during the day to take photos — to stop and look around. Posting 3 times on Insta will build in the accountability…and help me see if I’m progressing.

3. Lose 100 Pounds

• Set aside time during the evenings or weekends to cook whole food: if it’s scheduled, it’s more likely you’ll do it.
• Create a weekly recipe list: lean into recipes that don’t take much work and take 20 minutes or less to cook. Also, having a recipe list gives you a firm idea of what you’re eating for the week, and firms up your intention.
• Bring your lunch to work (including a fruit snack): eat whole foods to break your sugar addiction.
• Eat oatmeal for breakfast: I usually have a PB sandwich and a Coke Zero. Time to stop that, and start the day off right.

I’m falling asleep as I type this. Still on hospital hazy time, I guess.

I’ll tackle the last three goals tomorrow, but this is a decent start.

Photo by Clint McKoy on Unsplash

Got out of the hospital today and came home to rest. Made the mistake of getting on the Internet and catching up with the news.

I don’t like to wax political on the Internet. It’s pointless, and it adds to the cacophony of voices who feel it’s their need to trade in outrage for clicks. I don’t want to be a part of that.

I will, however, share my heart with you…friends…real humans who want to imagine what the world could be. I’ll use every tool for that.

In lieu of a sermon, this is what came to my mind today. It’s by William Wordsworth, written in 1802…may as well have been written yesterday…

The world is too much with us; late and soon,

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;—

Little we see in Nature that is ours;

We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!

This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;

The winds that will be howling at all hours,

And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;

For this, for everything, we are out of tune;

It moves us not. Great God! I’d rather be

A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;

So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,

Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;

Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;

Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

“It moves us not” falls like a hammer on my conscience.

Real, personal, IRL relationships — life! — is slipping away from us. I pray we can hang on to it.

And with that, I return to my convalescence.

Greetings from the med surg floor of East Georgia Regional Medical Center!

There’s a tried-and-true rule about health to which I’ve subscribed for a long time: everything is fine ’til it ain’t.

Well…today, it ain’t…or at least it wasn’t. I was in a Zoom meeting at work when I started feeling a heaviness in my chest, accompanied by shortness of breath, nausea and all the bad things that WebMD will tell you are signs of a heart attack. I politely excused myself and asked our amazing office administrator to take me to the hospital.

I’m pretty bummed that this happened, but I’m trying to see its positive implications.

For one, it’s a very scary kick in the pants to get serious about my nutrition, diet, weight and exercise. I “know” I should do better. My brain is equipped with some 15 years of heart setbacks and incidents to educate me. I’ve had more than enough scares to get scared straight — even without dementors (another one for you Office fans).

Secondly, it means my cardiologist is going to be following up with me and giving me a talking to. He’ll also do a stress test, so we both have a better idea of how I’m actually doing.

Thirdly, it means the people around me will probably pay closer attention to what I’m putting in my pie hole. It’s annoying to have your family ask you if you’re sure you want to eat that, but it’s also effective. It’s a question I need to ask myself more often.

More than anything, I just want to see this for what it is — a temporary setback, a cause for readjustment, a pivot if you will.

I can’t let it derail my plans or depress me to the point of giving up. This is the point where I need to renew my resolve.

Either way, I’ll have the night to think about it all.

And for my final resolution — I mean…you gotta stop somewhere — I gotta get my money right.

One of the downfalls of being a hermit and overweight and unfocused and depressed is that I spend a lot of money on food — specifically food from DoorDash. On top of that, I’m spending more than I’ve allotted for myself, so I’m dipping into next month’s check every month.

It’s horrible. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made (for which I’m extremely grateful), but I have less to spend each month than I’ve had in a while, and that’s completely my fault.

This year, I tackle this quandary and get thrifty.

A big part of the solution will be cooking my meals, which will be one of the main action items for this goal. When I cook meals for myself, not only do I eat better, but I also spend less on eating at restaurants. Win-win-win (that was for you Office fans out there).

I’ve jumped onto the Facebook Vegan Recipe algorithm, and the goal is to ride it straight into the kitchen, prep some really good meals, and probably end up saving between $500 and $600 per month (give or take $100).

I’ve also fallen into the pay-for-it-later trap more than I’d like to admit. I’m wiping those accounts out with a fury and focusing more on paying with the money I know I have right now.

It probably seems simple to most of you, but I’ve really not kept a handle on my spending…going so far as to spend my future earnings (but not thinking about it like that) and then suffering the consequences. I’m getting my mind right, and hopefully, getting the money right will follow!

I’m cutting off the Resolutionpalooza there. For one, I’ve probably shared way more than I would normally be comfortable sharing. But honestly, putting it out there is a form of accountability for me, and I desperately need that in my life right now.

Secondly, I think six big goals for the year are plenty, but if I can master even three or four of these goals this year, it would be a massive improvement in my life.

From here, it’s about the plan. Sure, these are great goals to which I can aspire, but how will I make them happen?

Getting them down on paper and mapping out a plan is how I bring them into the “real world” with actions and timelines. I want to be completely out of debt in two years. It’s doable, but I’ll have to get aggressive and dedicated to a strict budget in order to do it.

I’ve always been taught to tackle things like this with the “Swiss Cheese Method” — poke holes in it. Take the big goal and break it down into smaller pieces. I’ll be working on that this week and putting all this information in a place where I can refer to it often.

One of my favorite quotes is “Discipline is remembering what you want.” It’s attributed to David Campbell, but the Internet can’t give me a definitive answer on who he is (for those looking, he is definitely not the founder of Saks Fifth Avenue).

But I think a lot of people fall off their goals because they don’t have them front and center in a meaningful way. Modern life is all about getting sidetracked. Social media wants you sidetracked. Advertising wants you sidetracked. The entire corporate apparatus clamors for your attention.

Discipline is being able to focus and remember your why. That’s the main reason I’ve created this whole “Resolutionpalooza” in the first place. Yes, I’m aware it’s a stupid name.

But I won’t forget it, and I’ve published it on the Internet, so it’s not like it’s going away any time soon.

I’m hopeful this year. I’m grateful this year. I have the feeling this is the start of something good.

I hope it’s that way for you, too.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash